This was written by a 17 year old girl in our recovery program. She wished to remain anonymous but hopes to inspire young girls just starting the process of recovery! She has been with us all Summer and has taken big steps forward. She works with empowered 2x a week and attends our weekly groups. We are so proud of her!
“A little tiny dot. Maybe it’s covered by shadows. Maybe it’s buried so deep you can’t even see it. Maybe it’s blocked out by all of the other giant things swirling around in your head. But it’s there and it’s your lifeline. Reach for it.
It may seem so far away that not even the longest arms could grasp it, but trust me, the more you focus on it, believe in it, the closer it will get until it’s not so tiny anymore.
This is your hope. Your shining light in the darkness. The one thing that will get you through the mud.
For me, it took years to even see the dot. I spent so long not believing that it was there. I was convinced that something was wrong with me and everyone else should give up hope because that’s what I did. I wanted everyone to just give up on me because I thought that would be easier than trying to dig my way to the tiny dot.
I was too afraid that if I went searching I wouldn’t find anything and then I would just be stuck. But eventually, I let go of that fear and found my hope.
I found Empowered and they showed me how healing was possible. They showed me what I could look forward to, how strong I could become if I allowed myself to heal. They reminded me of who I was and how that could fuel who I could become.
My light was so small at first I could hardly see it. It was built of everything I wanted out of life but that seemed so far away. It was my desire to help people, my want to travel the world, my goals of going to college, and my dream of being an elite runner.
All of those things that were impossible with my eating disorder fueled my hope that I could get better. You need to find the things that you can’t do with your eating disorder and use them to grow that tiny dot until it becomes all that you can see. Your eating disorder won’t let you go out and enjoy time with friends; it won’t let you enjoy food or relaxation or your life.
Make a list of all of those things you could do without being held back by your eating disorder. You could try on clothes on Newbury Street, drive through the country seeing all of the beautiful things there are to see, experience different cultures one bite at a time, or you could just spend actual quality time with the special people in your life.
Whatever it is, you can’t do it with your eating disorder holding you back. I promise though you will be able to do it as long as you have hope, as long as you believe it is possible. With hope for your future, hope for healing, anything is possible.
For me, I saw the light once and then I let it disappear. I let myself be consumed by the thoughts because it was more comfortable. Of course, it was also more miserable.
I hit rock bottom and lost all control. I missed out on a year of my life, a year of experiences because I fell back into old habits. Trust me it was not worth it. It was the worst year of my life.
My eating disorder was the loudest and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
Getting to that low made it so much harder to get back up again but when I did I felt amazing.
I remembered how good it was to spend time with people instead of constantly isolating. I only wish I wasn’t blinded by the lies my eating disorder told me about how letting it have control was better because it wasn’t.
Sometimes the light will shrink, but as long as it is still there and you haven’t given up on it, it can pull you through the hard times.
When I get stuck in a rut, I think maybe it would be easier to just give in. I think that’s what will make everyone like me, doing what society preaches is the best way to live. But that’s wrong. Society is wrong.
Instead of turning down the dark path and letting the shadows invade to block out the light, I stare at that bright, shining light and let it blind me.
I think about all of the things I hope to achieve and use that as motivation to push through. You just have to remember that believing your eating disorder instead of your true self will get you nowhere. It will keep you stuck. Sure it may feel safe, but that safety is fake. It appears to be a safety net but really it’s a trap.
Face your fears. Live your life. Find your hope and let it guide you through the darkness.“