Lately I’ve been told that my story has power and that I should be more vulnerable with it to help others. So, I will start to post entries from my recovery journals. What you will read will be real, raw and at times uncomfortable. I am exposing all of me in these entries and it feels SCARY. I suppose I'm afraid of judgement for not always having it figured out. It took a decade for me to figure it out. Do I have all the answers? NO. But I know I have helped others with my experience and I know I will help many more.
It is my hope that you find hope in my story. My hope is that it will inspire you to find your authentic voice through your own. The journal entries I post will not be in order. Recovery is not linear and neither is my story.
If you can relate PLEASE reach out.. You do not have to go through this alone.
THEN- August 12, 2009
" You can’t change or grow without losing a part of yourself. And that loss, even when it happens for good reason, hurts.
When we sit with what we know- no matter how depressing it is- at least we know what to expect. Until it falls apart. Until you lose something you care about more than your struggle. Until you hit rock bottom.
All the times I’ve hit rock bottom in my life and didn’t realize it. How could I have not realized?
Running 20 miles in 90 degree heat. Skipping meals. Drinking excessively. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Running down an unlit road at 10pm in a snowstorm. I was always running. It took me a long time to figure out that I was running away from myself.
What was I seeking? Or was I hiding?
Bouncing from one coping mechanism to the next, time didn’t pass where I wasn’t engaging in self-destruct mode. How did I not destruct? How did I make it?
These are questions I’ve been thinking about lately.
My parents only validated the idea of my conditional worthiness and so I learned that in order to succeed I must be the best at everything to be seen. Baseline.
By the time I graduated high school I didn’t know who I was or what I was going to do with my life. But I knew things had to change. When I up and moved to Colorado was the start to true healing and recovery. "
--NOW, October 11, 2021
I always say that I left a piece of my heart in those mountains. I came home a different person. Fully healed? No. Grounded? No. But my desire to live my own life on my own terms was finally more important than the judgement of the past. So I flew out to Colorado with 2 suitcases on the quest to reclaim my health. It took years, but I did it. Am I fully healed? No, I'm human. I will forever be a work in progress. BUT THAT'S OKAY.
Part of recovery is the radical acceptance that we are inherently flawed. We then have to take those flaws and use them to discover our strengths.
For anyone struggling, you are stronger than you realize. You CAN heal. YOU can do seemingly impossible things. I know because I did.
If you can relate to my journal entry above PLEASE reach out to Leah@empoweredrx.org... I would love to hear your story!
If you're struggling or know someone who is please book a FREE DISCOVERY CALL... we are here to help! https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=22455759&appointmentType=21465598